If you had asked me many years ago, I would have assured you I would have had a house full of children.  A dream that remained until a little over 13 years ago.

That dream ended when I married my husband.  I married him knowing full well he could no longer father children, without an expensive surgery.   I concluded it didn't really matter.  I knew he was a godly man who loved The Lord.  To me, it was an easy trade off.  I had much rather have a godly man than a house full of kids with an unglodly man.  I knew God had chosen him for me.


Little did I know, God's plan was completely different and better than mine.

In October 2005,  we brought home our daughter.  She is a picture of God's faithfulness to me.
When I look at her, I am reminded of God's love for me.  You see, He adopted me.

Every year Mother's Day gets a little sweeter.

This is so much better than my plan...

My very wise husband recently told me : "We have to take affection on her terms."  This was after a conversation lamenting over the fact that our daughter doesn't like being affectionate.

I was somewhat prepared, that at a certain age I would have to stop kissing her in public. But not prepared to have to beg for kisses and hugs AT HOME at age 8.  The sad thing is, it's not anything new.
This has been going on since the beginning.  After first bringing her home,  we were never able to hold her like a baby cradled in our arms.  She would arch her back and squirm until finally being vertical.  She was always busy, wanting to be able to check out everything.  She wanted to be aware of all around her.

Granted,  she was 9 1/2 months when she became ours but I longed to cradle her.   I still long to cradle her.   As a matter of fact, I can't get enough kisses and hugs.  The only problem is, is that I have to beg, plead, and bribe for them,  until this morning.

I was sitting on the side of the bed and she came into our bedroom.  I have no clue why, but she climbed into my lap, wrapped her arms around me and just sat there embracing me.  She commented: "you're warm."  I almost couldn't believe this was my child.  I immediately thought of the conversation Ben and I had.  I realized how sweet this moment was.  I determined not to move, not to hurry her to get ready.  I just sat there.  I decided I would not be the first to let go either.  I was going to enjoy every last second of this.  And I did.  She sat there for about 5 minutes then as quick as she embraced me she loosened her arms and climbed back out of my lap.

I guess I will take what I can get.  I'm sure I will never stop wanting hugs and kisses from her, no
matter how old she gets.  But I must say, they are extra sweet when she initiates them.

I'm really hoping she does it again tomorrow.  :)

"Mama"

There are some days I am overwhelmed with God's goodness.  

Some days I look at her and can't believe I'm her "mama."

It happened yesterday as she was sitting across from me.

She had invited a friend over to play. 

I took them to the park then to lunch at Zaxby's.

As she was sitting across from me, she and her little friend, she took off her coat.

She reached across the table with coat in hand and said: "here, mama."

In that moment I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude come over me. 

Just hearing "mama" come out of her mouth gave me this crazy sense of joy.

It was as if she was claiming me.  I am hers.  

After 7 1/2 years I still can't believe it. 

I grabbed her jacket and she never even knew my thoughts.  

I just smiled at her.  

God is good.  

I love the honesty of my girl.  

I was productive today.  I got up, took her to school, ran three miles.  

Came home, cleaned house.  Fall always makes me want to cook.  With my kitchen being remodeled it's been hard to feel like getting in there,  but I decided I was going to make bread today.  

After the bread machine was going, I realized I had forgotten the salt.  I thought to myself, this won't/can't make that much of a difference.  Boy, was I wrong.

It didn't rise like it should, didn't cook right.  Was doughy.  

My girl wanted some so I I told her I'd cut her a piece.  I took it to her and left to do something else.  When I checked back in on her later, she still hadn't eaten it.  She normally LOVES my homemade bread.  

I asked her "how is the bread?"

she replied: "I don't like it very much, it has no flavor.  It's actually terrible."

I couldn't help but laugh.  

Me: "I know, I forgot the salt and used unsalted butter."  

Her response: "well, did you remember the honey?"

It was so funny, we both chuckled.  I suppose we'll try to toast it.  

The Life Cycle of a Butterfly

A couple of nights ago I was running Chloe's bath water and I could hear her talking to someone.
As she made her way back to the bathroom I could see she was talking into her iPod touch.  Later she sent me, via message, what she had been recording.  I decided to record it here.  Her class has been studying butterflies.  This is what she's learned....



"Hey,
My name is Chloe and my middle name is Caroline and my last name is Hansard.
I have a mama and daddy and they're very nice.  I go to Berry College and I'm learning about butterflies.

On Monday, which is, the date is 9 (stands for the 9th month) and um it is 13 (for the 13th day of the 9 months) 2012 is for the year I'm in.  And also, on Monday, well, it could be any Monday but Monday it's the day is 9-16 (I think) 2012.  That's when we'll start learning about deer.  And, um, right now we're learning about butterflies.  I want to tell you a few facts about butterflies.

I'll tell you about the pupa, I mean about the egg first.  The butterfly lays it's egg on the bottom of a leaf.
So then, no predators will eat the eggs.  Like snakes, or any kinds of things, or birds, or anything.  In the caterpillar stage.  The science word for it is- Larva.  Okay, so....um, let's see.

The larva eats about almost all the leaf, then once it gets good and fat and stuff and eats a lot it forms into a chrysalis.  Now the next stage is chrysalis.   The science word for chrysalis is pupa.  Okay, now say it.  It's spelled P U P A.  It kind of sounds like 'Papa' but it's really supposed to be PUPA.

Okay, once the larva stays in the pupa for a little while, the um, the adult which is the science name for butterfly comes out head first. And that's not called hatching, it's EMERGE.  Try it, say...EMERGE.

Okay, so you got emerge.

Now for the adult stage, um, the butterfly actually does stay for, um, it's an adult for probably 2 weeks I guess.  Then it dies.  It doesn't last very long.  But adult is a science name for butterfly.  Before the butterfly dies it lays it's egg under it's leaf and the whole life cycle will end and start all over, like I told you.

The science words for every stage of the butterfly are

First- Egg
Second- Larva
Third- Pupa
Fourth- Adult

Then the whole life cycle starts over again...see you in the next video.

Bye

And remember my name is Chloe, and this is the stage of a butterfly."

Sweet comments after our bedtime bible story:

(the Passover)

My baby : "A baby lamb?"

Me: "I don't think so."

My baby: "good, because that would be mean."

My baby : "I'm glad we don't have to put blood on our door because that would be disgusting.  It might not come off."

I always love her responses.  

It's going to happen whether you want it or not.  Time marches on.

She's all pink!

The Backpack, lunchbox and water bottle.

2nd Grade

Why do I want to sit down and cry?

  Why do I tear up when I look at her?

I'll tell you why...

Because every time I look at her I'm reminded of the gift she is.  

A gift from the Father.  

"He gives the barren a woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!"

Psalm 113:9

I saw great acts of courage, loyalty and comradery tonight.  All from seven year olds.  

It all happened at a birthday party.  

I was enjoying a conversation with a friend when all of a sudden another mother scurried past me and said: "I think Chloe got hurt."

I immediately rushed over to check on my baby.  By this time a crowd had gathered.  She emerged from the inflatable with tears streaming down her face.  And boy did she have one fat upper lip.  Bless her.

The group was buzzing, all at once telling the story of what had happened.  Finally I was able to hear Chloe tell me what happened.  

A little boy, not in our group, had run into my girl's face, head first.  

She explained to me what had happened.  The funny thing is, is that the emphasis was not on the collision.  

The emphasis was this:  "After he ran into me, he looked back at me and saw I was hurt and he 

DIDN'T EVEN SAY HE WAS SORRY!"

More tears flowed, but not because of the fat lip.  

The entire group couldn't believe he had not said he was sorry!

We went and got ice from the concession stand and she sat with me for a bit.  She kept saying: "he didn't even say he was sorry."

I tried to explain to her that not everyone is taught manners.  

A couple of minutes later a couple of boy classmates came over to check on her.  

They wanted to know who did this to their friend.  

I couldn't help but snicker when I watched the two boys discuss how they would handle this.

They wanted to know the shirt description.  

Chloe told them he had on a yellow shirt and pointed him out.

I was beginning to think I was on some first grade crime show because they were going to get to the bottom of this.  They were going to get him to say he was sorry.  The two little boys ran off saying: "oh, I know which one it is." 

I have to say, I love how this little group sticks together.  

I saw it firsthand tonight.    

I think these sweet children have a special bond.  They will travel through each grade together, unlike other schools.  One class per grade.  Small classes.  I love this.

I love how they've been taught to love one another.  

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" ~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I think of her sometimes.  Especially today.  I wonder what she is like.  I wonder what she is doing.  I wonder if she has other children.  I wonder if she ever thinks of my girl. 

I want to tell her how much my girl is loved.

I want her to know how sweet my girl is, how smart she is.  

I want her to know how beautiful my girl is.   

I want her to know how funny my girl is, how she loves to play jokes and how she loves to play games.  

I want her to know how she loves fruit and grapes are her favorite and how she likes the edges cut off the bread.  

I want her to know how she's good at most everything she's tried.  She's a great dancer, but an excellent athlete.  

She's very strong.  

Now, when I hug her, I barely have to lean over she's gotten so tall.  

  

I want her to know sometimes my girl talks so fast her words run together.  A trait she seems to have picked up from her daddy.    

I want her to know how sensitive she is.  

I want her to know my girl's daddy reads the Bible to her every morning and I read it to her every night.  How, when I finish reading, I have to rub her back, arms and face before she can go to sleep.  

Sometimes, I wish I could meet her.  Other times not.  I'm insecure.   I would be too afraid.  What if my girl wanted her instead of me.  Silly fear some might say, but real nonetheless.  

I don't think on these things very often.  If I did, I'd go crazy.  

  I am thankful to have been part of God's plan for my girl.

She is a miracle to me.   

I love being her mama.   

So today, I'll just trust that she knows, the girl she gave birth to is thriving and is so loved and how very thankful I am to have her.  

Happy Mother's Day!  

After one failed attempt to release the frog (I say frog singular, because the other two disappeared), we finally pushed our frog off the lily pad.  We tried last Friday but my baby talked me right out of it.  "They won't survive" she said.  "They're too small to make it on their own."

We loaded them back up and brought them back home.  I'm a sucker for animals. 

 To make myself feel better, I talked with an environmentalist last Saturday.  She was showing reptiles and amphibians at the weekend River Fest here in town.  I jokingly asked her if she "took" frogs.  She said she didn't but inquired about my question. I explained our "situation."  

She very seriously (with a smile) said: "You have got to let them go.  They are going to get big."  

Don't get me wrong.  I have enjoyed raising these frogs more than my daughter.  I have been a bit of a worrisome frog mother, so to speak.  I have checked on them every day.  I have been intrigued by their transformation.  I mean, it's pretty amazing that just a couple of months ago they were swimming around like fish.  

I remember getting so excited when their back legs popped out.  It wasn't long that we saw front legs.  Then, just as God orchestrated, they crawled up onto the rocks to breath air.  It is miraculous, really.  

This is crazy, but I'm a bit sad.  No more frogs on the front porch.  I can only hope the two that disappeared will make it.  Maybe one day we'll see them in our front yard.  Who knows?

We picked a spot at Berry, across from the water-wheel.  We walked down a good 40 yards away from any hiking traffic and said our goodbyes beside the creek.  I took a few pictures.  

I know we picked a great spot because as were watching him sitting still, checking out his new "home", a little salamander scurried by.  

Froggie Hansard is in the center, salamander is top-right.

And God said, “Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the heavens.”  So God created the great sea creatures and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.”  And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.

Genesis 1:20-23

I've been reading a lot lately on good mothering.   I have been challenged and have vowed to make it a point to  do better.  I don't want to miss anything.

After arriving home from work tonight, I was enjoying a conversation with my husband when we heard a big crash in our baby's room.  I then heard a big sigh.

As I was walking through the hall heading to her room to find out what had happened, I heard  - "Mama, can you help me?"

We picked up what seemed like 1000 legos then she found a new gift from Christmas that had yet to be opened and asked me: "When you get done doing whatever it is you're going to do, can we do this?"  I answered with a very positive yes.

We laid in the floor making bracelets out of candy wrappers.  I had so much more to be doing around the house, but chose to be with her and focus on her and boy did I get rewarded.

She reached in her backpack for an early Mother's Day gift.
Words written on her hand-prints. 

It reads:

You love me.

Bake cookies and cupcakes and brawnis (brownies) and cakes.

Takes me plasis. (Takes me places)

 Cars about me. (Cares about me)

Rids to me. (Reads to me)

These are five things she loves about me. 

"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children."

~ Charles Swindoll

  

God wanted us to have you

Our girl had a hard time falling asleep last night.  After a full day of triathlon competition she came home and napped, making it hard for sleep to come when bedtime arrived.  We went into her room last night for Ben to do his nightly prayer and out of the blue: "Mama, why didn't you have a baby out of your stomach?"  It's funny the timing of questions.  I had no idea this was on her mind.  I thought we'd discuss the race, the swimming, the fun weekend, anything but this.

I looked at Ben, and he at me.  He jokingly said: "We're waiting..." I thought for a second of what direction I was going to take this conversation.  I explained how daddy couldn't have babies when we got married.  "But why didn't YOU have a baby out of your stomach?"  Well, I explained, it takes a mama and a daddy to have a baby.  Knowing this was going to get a little heavier than we wanted, Ben chimed in and said: "God wanted us to have you!"  He always knows the right thing to say at the right time.

That seemed to satisfy her.  Thankfully.  

I've been thinking about his comment and my feelings yesterday while cheering her on.  There was something special about running along side her while she was competing.  I thought of how my parents must have felt when my sister and I were young.  My parents were there for everything we did.  They never missed anything.  They were our biggest fans. This is the kind of parent I want to be.

"God wanted us to have you."

We are her biggest fans.  God put her with us so we could cheer her on.  The role of parent is so important.  I take my job very seriously.  And, yes, I know the most important thing we can do is teach her about the Savior.  My # 1 goal is that she will be a follower of Christ, to live for Him and glorify Him with her life.

These precious moments like yesterday must just be icing on the cake.

"The voices of childhood echo throughout life.  The first learned is generally the last forgotten."

~ Charles Spurgeon

2nd Triathlon

Today, our baby completed her 2nd Triathlon.  I'm amazed that she is only 7 years old and can do this.

This morning before the race I heard her in her room.  She was talking so I stepped in to see who she was talking to.  She was in her floor playing with barbies.  I thought to myself, she is still a baby.  She was about to do a triathlon in a  few hours but it didn't seem to faze her.  I felt enough nerves for the both of us.

Parents were told we could not enter the pool area for the swim.  We were told we could watch from windows above the pool area.  As the time approached, I saw other parents down there.  Now, I'm not a rule breaker.  I try always to follow rules but if other parents were down there that meant this mama would get to go too.  Ben remained in the designated area, I went down to the 'restricted' pool area.  :)

I saw her start, swim 50 yards, then climb out.  She looked tired.  I cheered for her and followed her to the transition area where she jumped on her bike.  Ben and I then raced to the road to see her.  Ben continued out of site while I stayed back close to the transition area so I could cheer her there.  When I saw her coming back in sight I dashed back to the transition area where she jumped off her bike and hit the road.  I ran along side of her for as a long as I could.  This was my favorite part.  I ran beside her talking to her the whole time. She stayed really focused and kept her eyes straight forward.  I told her to keep a slow and steady pace.  Ben had told her not to sprint until the finish line was in site.  He knew she would tire quickly if she started sprinting at the beginning.  As the road came to an end for me, she had to continue on without me. Unfortunately, parents can't do the entire race with their children. ;)  I told her to keep it steady and I would see her at the finish line.  Come to find out, Ben found a way to run about a quarter mile with her.  He said there were other nutty parents on the trail too.

While I was running along side her, I had the greatest feeling.  I kept thinking, this is the girl that God gave us.  He plucked her from around the world and gave her to us.  He gave her to us so we could encourage her, so we could cheer for her, so we could love her, but most importantly so we could tell her about Him.  I just can't believe how blessed we are to have her.

Exiting the pool

Transitioning from bike to run

The finish!

The post-race banana

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point."

C.S. Lewis

At my baby shower for Chloe back in 2005 I received the most beautiful baby bedding. I had picked it out from Pottery Barn Kids and my very generous mother in law bought it for us. I have loved it since day one. When she grew out of the baby bed I kept it because I just couldn't bear to get rid of it. It was where our sweet girl had laid her head. Well, recently I pulled it out of storage. My very resourceful and extremely talented mother dismantled, so to speak, the beautiful bumper pad and made it into a very special quilt. Now, it will go with her when she grows up. I am so thankful that now she will be able to have a quilt that both grandmothers had a part in. ♥

The bumper pad before, serving it's original purpose.

The beautiful masterpiece designed by my mother.  Something our girl will always have.

The Triathelete

Chloe's first triathlon turned into a duathlon! It was too cold for the swim. She ran about 100 yards (instead of the 50 yard swim), biked 2.4 miles, then ran again .5 mile. She placed 2nd in her age division. Her daddy and I will be on cloud nine for some time!

Pre-race instructions from Daddy...

A little encouragement from Mama....

The official timekeeper chip.....

The body marking....

The transition area...

The bike... (2.4 miles)

The run...(.5 mile)

2nd place in her age division...

The girl never ceases to amaze me

  I don't remember learning these things when I was in school.  She's just in the first grade!

Sitting in car line to let her out at the bus stop.  I see a deer.  I say to her: "Look at that deer, it sure is pretty."
She says: "Mama, that's a consumer. There are decomposers, producers and consumers."      Huh?

Sitting in the car at the railroad track.  Watching the train I tell her the train is carrying gravel.  She corrects me and says: "Actually,  it's aggregate."     Huh?

Ben says by second grade she is definitely going to be smarter than us.

Housekeeping

Ben made Chloe make her bed yesterday.  She huffed and puffed but when I went into her room it was finished and she had done a really good job.  Our girl is not much on housekeeping.  We discovered all sorts of stuff after dismantling her bunk beds this weekend.  A zip lock baggie with a few peanut butter cookies was one of the little "treasures" we found.  No telling how long it had been under the bed.  I am continually going behind her to put the toothpaste top back on, pick up clothes, pick up her towel and flushing the toilet.   As her mother, I can't help but want to come to her rescue when daddy is making her do chores.  He keeps saying it's good for her and I know it is, but I just keep thinking she's only six years old.  She needs my help.  I know he's right, though.  Now is the time to start teaching her responsibility.

 Anyway, he called me this morning after dropping her off at the bus stop, as he usually does.  He will call to give me the "morning report."  I like to know how things went taking her to school.  On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday she is still in the bed when I leave for work so I miss that special time in the mornings with them.   He told me that when he told her to make her bed this morning she looked at him and said: "Am I going to have to make it EVERYDAY?"  We both got a chuckle out of it.

First Grade

She got right up this morning.  I asked her if she was excited.  Her response was a pretty sharp, "No!"

She did not want to ride the bus.  As we arrived at school she jumped out of the back seat and said: "Can I go on in to first grade??"   Glad and a little sad she's so independent.  Mostly glad.

She refused to carry the lunchbox that matches the backpack because it does not have a shoulder strap.  So she opted for the bright green Floyd one.  

Her sweet teacher, Mrs. Bergin

She and daddy are always making funny faces.

Notice the "rabbit ears" daddy told her to do.

So, my girl and I took a little vacation with my sister and niece.  We left Ben at home to work and make us some green money, as Chloe likes to call it.  We had a great time all week at the beach.  The only bad part about the entire week was the June grass.  I think some mistake it for seaweed. The local news reported on it every evening.  People were complaining, including us.  This June grass comes around every year and last for several weeks.  It's pretty disgusting.  Slimy green stuff floating around in the ocean.  Not only in the water but on you and all in your bathing suit when you get out.

Chloe and I spent a lot of time in the hot tub and at the pool.  

Of course, you can't go to the beach for a week and not get in the ocean.  We suffered through the June grass and did have fun.

She came up with a smile on her face every time.

Pawpaw joined us for the first three days.  Chloe had to teach him not to be afraid of the ocean. ;)

Decided to show how much my girl has changed in two years and how nothing on me has changed.  Same bathing suit, hat, everything.  Ha!  It really is a great bathing suit.  

But I must say, the best part about the entire trip was the night before we left.  I borrowed my sister's car and just me and my girl went for some fun.  Money spent at the miracle strip is money well spent!

 You have to be really serious when driving an airplane.

And this picture is my favorite.  The hot air balloons that made me utterly sick and made me feel like if I didn't get off this ride I would hurl, brought absolute joy to her.

What a great trip thanks to my sister and husband.  My sister provided the condo and transportation and my honey provided the money.  I'm just sorry he missed this.  :(

Tybee

Tybee took her first vacation with us this weekend.  She loved going and being with us.  I noticed that she seemed extra tired, especially after getting home.  We became extra worried as she began standing around awkwardly not allowing any of us to get close.  Wednesday she became really sick.  I stayed up with her all night.  She was struggling to breath.  It was the most heartbreaking thing to witness.  Thursday morning she stopped breathing three or four times. I called the Vet and we made the gut wrenching decision  to not let her suffer and struggle for breath.  The Vet confirmed she had congestive heart failure.

My heart is broken.  The little dog Ben and I picked out 10 years ago is now gone.  I remember we couldn't get the perfect name for her at first.  After several days, I remember Ben saying to me, "I have the perfect name but I'm afraid to tell you because I know you'll love it and that will be the end of it."   He was right.  Tybee.  She was named after Tybee Island, the special place where Ben proposed to me.  I will never forget her.

Tybee Hansard

7-3-01    7-7-11