If you had asked me many years ago, I would have assured you I would have had a house full of children.  A dream that remained until a little over 13 years ago.

That dream ended when I married my husband.  I married him knowing full well he could no longer father children, without an expensive surgery.   I concluded it didn't really matter.  I knew he was a godly man who loved The Lord.  To me, it was an easy trade off.  I had much rather have a godly man than a house full of kids with an unglodly man.  I knew God had chosen him for me.


Little did I know, God's plan was completely different and better than mine.

In October 2005,  we brought home our daughter.  She is a picture of God's faithfulness to me.
When I look at her, I am reminded of God's love for me.  You see, He adopted me.

Every year Mother's Day gets a little sweeter.

This is so much better than my plan...

My very wise husband recently told me : "We have to take affection on her terms."  This was after a conversation lamenting over the fact that our daughter doesn't like being affectionate.

I was somewhat prepared, that at a certain age I would have to stop kissing her in public. But not prepared to have to beg for kisses and hugs AT HOME at age 8.  The sad thing is, it's not anything new.
This has been going on since the beginning.  After first bringing her home,  we were never able to hold her like a baby cradled in our arms.  She would arch her back and squirm until finally being vertical.  She was always busy, wanting to be able to check out everything.  She wanted to be aware of all around her.

Granted,  she was 9 1/2 months when she became ours but I longed to cradle her.   I still long to cradle her.   As a matter of fact, I can't get enough kisses and hugs.  The only problem is, is that I have to beg, plead, and bribe for them,  until this morning.

I was sitting on the side of the bed and she came into our bedroom.  I have no clue why, but she climbed into my lap, wrapped her arms around me and just sat there embracing me.  She commented: "you're warm."  I almost couldn't believe this was my child.  I immediately thought of the conversation Ben and I had.  I realized how sweet this moment was.  I determined not to move, not to hurry her to get ready.  I just sat there.  I decided I would not be the first to let go either.  I was going to enjoy every last second of this.  And I did.  She sat there for about 5 minutes then as quick as she embraced me she loosened her arms and climbed back out of my lap.

I guess I will take what I can get.  I'm sure I will never stop wanting hugs and kisses from her, no
matter how old she gets.  But I must say, they are extra sweet when she initiates them.

I'm really hoping she does it again tomorrow.  :)

"Mama"

There are some days I am overwhelmed with God's goodness.  

Some days I look at her and can't believe I'm her "mama."

It happened yesterday as she was sitting across from me.

She had invited a friend over to play. 

I took them to the park then to lunch at Zaxby's.

As she was sitting across from me, she and her little friend, she took off her coat.

She reached across the table with coat in hand and said: "here, mama."

In that moment I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude come over me. 

Just hearing "mama" come out of her mouth gave me this crazy sense of joy.

It was as if she was claiming me.  I am hers.  

After 7 1/2 years I still can't believe it. 

I grabbed her jacket and she never even knew my thoughts.  

I just smiled at her.  

God is good.